THE INEVITABLE LAWS OF GENEALOGY

The records you need were in the courthouse that burned.

John the son of Thomas, the immigrant whom your relatives claim as your immigrant ancestor died on board ship at the age of twelve.

The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated when the platform under him collapsed….They didn't tell you he had a rope around his neck.

Records show that the grandfather, whom the family boasted, (He read the Bible at four years and graduated from college at sixteen,) was at the foot of his class.

Your Grandmothers maiden name for which you've searched for years was on an old letter in a box in the attic all the time.

Your Grandfather's fathers name is in the place on the film in the land records in the only spot that had a Huge ink spot.

When at last you've solved the mystery of the skeleton in the family closet, the tight lipped spinster Aunt claimed, (I could have told you that all the time.)

You never asked your Grandmother about her family because you weren't interested in genealogy while she was alive.

The story about your family your Grandmother wrote never Got past the typist. She packed it away (somewhere) and promised to send you a copy but never did.

The relative who got all of the family photographs gave them to her daughter who had no interest in genealogy and no inclination to save them.

A great uncle who changed his surname, moved away and was never heard from again.

An old newspaper containing all the information you wanted has fallen apart and the type has bleached out.

The only record you find for your Great Grandfather is that his property was sold at the sheriff's sale for insolvency.

The portion of the index you need is continued in the next issue, only the publisher died prior to the next publication.

When you find the obituary for your Great Grandmother, the information is garbled. Her name is exchanged with her daughters, the whereabouts of her sons is unknown, the date for her fathers birth indicates he was younger than she was.

The only surname not found in the 6 billion names in the Morman records is the one you are searching for.

The vital records director sends you a negative reply, having just been insulted by some creep calling himself a genealogist.

You find the 4 volume, 4,800 page history of the county where your people lived one hundred years ago and there is no index.

If you do find something very interesting on film about your family it happens five minutes before the library closes.

The film you are searching ends just before the surname you are looking for and the next past the same name.

The newspaper of the date your Grandparents got married is the only one not on the film.

Your Great Grandparents gave your Grandmother her birth name on a certificate and then always called her by a nickname the rest of her life.

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(1) Thou shalt name your male children:

James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel, Richard, Thomas, William

(2) Thou shalt name your female children:

Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Maria, Sarah, Ida, Virginia, May

(3) Thou shalt leave NO trace of your female children.

(4) Thou shalt, after naming your children from the

above lists, call them by strange nicknames such as:

Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, and Sukey.---making them

difficult to trace.

(5) Thou shalt NOT use any middle names on any legal

documents or census reports, and only where

necessary, you may use only initials on legal

documents.

(6) Thou shalt learn to sign all documents illegibly

so that your surname can be spelled, or misspelled,

in various ways: Hicks , Hix, Hixe, Hucks, Kicks

(7) Thou shalt, after no more then 3 generations,

make sure that all family records are lost,

misplaced, burned in a fire, or buried so that NO

future trace of them can be found.

(8) Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumors,

vague innuendo regarding your place origination.

(A) you may have come from : England, Ireland,

Scotland, Wales....or Iran.

(B) you may have American Indian ancestry of

the______tribe.

(C) You may have descended from one of three

brothers that came over from_____.

(9) Thou shalt leave NO cemetery records, or

headstones with legible names.

(10)Thou shalt leave NO family Bible with records of

birth, marriages, or deaths.

(11)Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born

James Albert, thou must make all the rest of thy

records in the names of Albert, AJ, JA, AL, Bert,

Bart, or Alfred.

(12)Thou must also flip thy parent's names when making

reference to them, although "Unknown" or a blank line

is an acceptable alternative.

(13)Thou shalt name at least 5 generations of males,

and dozens of their cousins with identical names in

order to totally confuse researchers.